Ode To You

    I am utterly and completely in love with a boy.

    I know, I know--gross right? Trust me, I practically have to hold back gagging when I said that; but that doesn't make it any less of the truth. Anyone who knows me knows I am the picture of the worlds worst girlfriend. PDA actually makes me so uncomfortable to the point where I have self diagnosed myself with a hypersensitivity disorder--or something along those lines. Now I am not making fun of anyone who actually has a disorder like this because I am being 100% honest when I say the thought of someone touching me--without me initiating it--makes my skin crawl most of the time. When someone touches me its like my brain is processing the feeling in every. single. cell. and sometimes that makes me want to scream. It just becomes to much. 

    One time I had a friend over and we were all watching a movie (my friend, this boy I love, and I). He moves closer to me so we are side by side--okay thats fine, no big deal--He then puts his arm around me and all of a sudden its just to much. It's like a switch went off. I jump and say 'don't fucking touch me'. My friend looks at us and laughs as he moves back, "You realize people believe you date right?" she says with a smile. I felt so bad. We all laughed it off but I felt SO bad. Safe to say I am the farthest thing from a hugger, but that doesn't make my heart any smaller than any of yours.

    I am 'as stubborn as a mule' they would say; or in my particular case, I am as stubborn as my mother. I have a very short fuse, and can be quick to anger (that I definitely get from my father). Not to mention I am late to quite literally everything, even when I try not to be; and that sucks because my anxiety then comes into play and I turn into the worlds crabbiest person on top of already being the worlds worst girlfriend. I seriously don't know what he sees in me most days, and it is safe to say that although I am the worlds worst at most things, I am still--and hopefully always will be--the worlds luckiest.

    If you are reading this--and let's be honest I know you are because you are my loudest cheerleader--I want to say my thank you's. Thank you for single handily saving my life 7 years ago. Even if I didn't know I needed saving at the time, I look back now and see the path I was headed down--If there was even a path at all--and realize the impact you had on me. I was in one of the darkest times of my life and as a 16 year old girl I was already having a hard time, never mind my grandparents recently passing away, and the abuse going on in my house. You were the light in my life, and god that scared the hell out of me. I didn't know what love was supposed to be like, I had no real role-models to look up to, and yet you had your high school sweet heart parents. I was terrified. I had no idea what to do other than run, because with most things in my life at that moment, running is what I knew, not love. 

    I am sorry I ran. I am even more sorry for how that hurt you. I can't even begin to really explain how badly I almost instantly regretted it. So thank you for finding me again, for being my light again, and saving my life not only once but now twice. I am eternally grateful for your steady hand, your humor, your smile, your ambition, your hugs, but mostly your heart. I don't think I will ever be able to make it up to you, but I promise I will try to every day that I love you.

    (And I can't imagine ever not loving you, so it looks like you're stuck with me for a very long time.)