Everything Grief Questions

    Lately I find myself thinking a lot about what grief is. How can you grieve someone that is still here? What will it be like to grieve them once they are physically gone? How long will the grief last? Will it bring up any regrets I haven't thought of yet? So many questions, yet so little answers. 

    I realize it's now July--Happy Independence day by the way--but back in the very beginning of June I was writing up my calendar, and it hit me then. Hit me pretty hard. June 30th is her birthday. I sat there for, I don't even know how long, debating on if I should write it on the calendar as I normally would. How horrendous is that of me? I was eventually utterly disgusted with myself for even debating it and quickly wrote it down. Just so you know, looking back now, I am still disgusted with myself. Now that her birthday has passed and she is still with us, I think about what I will do next year. I'll probably still write it on the Calendar. I know she won't be with us this time next year, unless by some miracle by God--who I have really felt like punching in the face lately.

    This one thought surrounding her birthday surfaced many other similar thoughts that I can't stop thinking about, no matter how hard I try. I found myself looking at her contact in my phone as I went to text her, and that moment brought me right back to that calendar. Will I ever delete those messages or voicemails? Definitely not. Will I ever delete her contact, even after her phone number has been long taken by someone else? No, I think it'll stay her nickname with two pink hearts next to it. What if something happens to my phone, where I lose it, or it breaks, or I simply have to make the upgrade, and I lose that contact with all those messages and voicemails. Will I grieve all over again the lose of the piece of her I was able to hold onto? Most likely.

    My stepmother has a ring that her grandmother gave her when she was young. She's worn it almost all of her adult life, until last year when the opal had popped out and she lost it. She texted me to keep a look out for it, and when I came home she was teary eyed with rosy cheeks. I felt bad for her--I mean seriously guys I am not that cruel--but I didn't understand. I thought, 'you were so young when you lost her, and it has been years since then. Why cry about it now?' 

    I was so naïve it's actually funny (Insert the name of this blog here).

    Even the thought of losing the necklace my godmother gave me just days after they delivered her death sentence, makes my vision go blurry with tears and has me holding back gags. I don't believe there will ever be a time that thought doesn't get that reaction out of me. There was this post I saw shared on my facebook feed that explained how grief never gets smaller, life just gets bigger, and if that isn't the truest thing I have read then I am not sure what is. The world never stops spinning, even in times when everyone might collectively agree that it should. Life goes on, it gets bigger, it gets messier, it becomes a giant distraction. And maybe thats why nobody can stop the world from spinning, because without its distractions then we'd really have a great depression on our hands.